Give Until It Hurts

I gave away all my children's books except for this Newbery awardee collection. I just couldn't seem to part with it.

I heard once in a homily that when you give something, it has to make you feel that you have sacrificed something. In short, it has to hurt. The essence of giving is you're supposed to feel empty after letting go of a possession. It's not sincere when you don't feel an inner ouch when you give away your favorite dress for a fire victim or your last Php100 for a beggar.

Over the years, I have given away my things for convenient reasons like "I no longer need them" and "It's better to give than throw them away." So, you see, I didn't really feel any hurt when I gave my things away. In fact, my most prized possessions which were my books then were all given away after I gave birth to Thirdy. They were eating so much space in the bedroom, and I no longer read them so I gave them all away. I wrote about it here (http://angmaestra.blogspot.com/2015/09/letting-go.html).

I still managed to use the books as props for Thirdy's photo session before I parted with them.

I gave away those books, but my children's book collection was untouched. I still had one full shelf of it. But when I got pregnant with Bambam, I knew I had to give them away, too. Our small apartment had to accommodate a crib again and a few baby and toddler stuff. So we decided that we'll donate the books to my mother's high school alma mater in Duenas. I was at first hesitant of doing that because I wanted to give away the books to my college students under my last advisory class. I wasn't able to say a proper goodbye to them when I resigned, so giving away a book for each student complete with a personalized dedication was my way of making up to them. The de-cluttering of our apartment to make way for a newborn again ate our time, however, so I went along with the plan of just donating them instead. I didn't feel any pain of letting my babies go.

Shoutout to Prof. Dumagpi for introducing us to Newbery awardee books

I learned to appreciate children's books in graduate school. Thanks, Prof. Dumagpi

I gave birth to Bambam soon after that, and life with a newborn and a toddler went on. Then, one time I was changing my daughter's nappy (for the nth time) when I remembered those books and out of nowhere, I was washed with a sudden wave of sadness. It's a kind of sadness that I couldn't seem quite to put my finger on. It was a combination of regret, longing, and just plain homemade sadness. It's that kind of feeling after breaking up with your lover - you'd want to talk to him/her but then you realized you can no longer do that because you called it quits already. Just as it came to me swiftly, that profound sense of sadness also left me just as suddenly. If you're a mom of two, you know you can no longer dwell on negative things, so I brushed my sadness aside. But before it left, it punched me deep on the chest that for the whole day, I could literally see myself walking with a hollow circle on that part of my body.

Don't get me wrong. It was not post-partum depression (I can recognize PPD from afar). It's just that every time I remember those books now, I'd feel that sadness all over again. All is not lost, however. I still have my one box of Newbery awardee collection. I just couldn't seem to part with it, and I was saving the books for Thirdy and Bam.

I hope he'll grow up to be a reader, too.

I think the main reason why I felt that long overdue sadness was because those books were not just books. They were part of my identity as a high school teacher then. It was Teacher Van who forced the 7th graders to have a book report once every two weeks. The books were also carefully chosen. Those books meant time for me - lazy weekends spent on browsing those books at Booksale. And of course it also meant money. From my meager income as a teacher, I paid for them. I think it also hurt because I do not know the recipient of my books. It feels like I just gave away a part who I am to total strangers.

I am saving the Newbery books for these two.

Parting with those books hurt. I just didn't feel the blow right away (only 3 months after). To ease my sadness, I started reading the books from the Newbery collection again. My only consolation is that because I felt that pain after giving away my books, maybe my soul will earn some brownie points in heaven?

All-time favorite of my high school students

It's a good thing I didn't give you away.

Back to Work

My 6 month leave is officially over. I reinstated last April 1st, and incidentally the university graduation fell on the same day, so I didn't have a choice but to attend it. Actually, I had a choice. The HR advised me to take a sick leave, but God forbid I don't want to lie about being sick! So, there, I attended the graduation. I want to show my face to the bosses that I am indeed back, and I'm not going anywhere until the first semester is over. I intend to resign after that because my husband and I have other plans, and Thirdy is learning to walk by then. I'd like to be with him every step of the way (pun intended).

So for the next two months (April and May), I am going to prepare my lessons and finish the paper. I feel pumped up and excited! It's good to be back.

Memories of Film Crit

Memory # 1

I remember reading Antonio Sison's  review of the Italian film A Beautiful Life in the Catholic magazine, Kerygma. I was in High School then. I was impressed with the way he wrote it that I also looked for the movie. Sadly, I managed to have a copy but in Italian - it didn't have any subtitles. But I did understand the movie's plot. I supposed reading that article was my introduction to film criticism and when I started becoming interested in this field, I looked up Antonio Sison's name and I'm glad that his other film reviews are available online.

Memory # 2

I watched the movie the Amazing Spiderman with a friend in college, and I remember cringing at the movie's plot and the actors' acting chops. I told myself I was going write something about the movie but it never materialized.

Memory # 3

I remember watching Toy Story 3 in 2013 and ended up crying at the ending that I started writing about it. I still didn't know how I was going to go about the essay that I ended up not finishing the whole thing.

So here I am as a film critic wannabe. Everytime  think about those memories, I wonder why writing about films never occurred to me right away. After years of wondering what I was going to write about, I recently just heard my calling. The skies didn't open and no chorus of angels came out. It just hit me one day that I have a knack for criticism. I could write book reviews but I can't finish a book in one sitting alone because I now have a demanding baby, but with a movie, you can give me 3 hours and I'll be done with the movie and THE review.

I am reading other film critics' work notably Roger Ebert and his correspondents, so I could improve my craft. But man, if there's a so-called room for improvement, mine would be as big as a mansion's.

Letting Go

It wasn't a spur of the moment decision. I have been toying around with the idea for several days before I decided to just do it.

I have decided to give away my books -- my precious ones. Before I got married, my books were my best friends. I could just stay inside my room and snuggle up in bed with one of my books and the whole world could just pass by. Giving them away never occurred to me that time. In fact, I kept accumulating them even though I didn't have much time to read them. When I got married, and moved in to a new apartment, I brought them along of course (much to my minimalist husband's annoyance). We put them in a balikbayan box and placed it in a corner, where I have almost forgotten about it.

I blame it on the heavy downpour. If not for it and our dilapidated ceiling, the box wouldn't have gotten wet, and my husband wouldn't have removed the books so they wouldn't entirely get wet and smell. This happened about 2 weeks after I had the baby. The books were stacked in our room because we didn't have a place to put them. When I realized that it was completely unhygienic for the books to stay there because they've started to gather dust, I knew they all had to go somehow.

But parting with your books is like breaking up with your lover. You mull over it for sometime and then you just DO it because you know that it's good for you, you deal with the heartbreak, then (the best part) you just move on.

The books shouldn't just go to anyone, though. I'll feel relieved knowing that my 'best friends' will go to people whom I know will take care of them. Posting the books pictures in FB was a good idea. I decided not to sell them because it's my way of paying back for the good things that I have received, so far. Just a few seconds after I posted the books in an album "Pre-loved Books for Free," many of my good friends sent me a message that they'd would like to have this and that book. I am happy knowing that the books will be in good hands somehow.

You feel a melancholy every time you part ways with a loved one. That's how it has been for me every time I hand over a book to its new owner. This may sound like I have a post-partum depression (I don't), but I felt quite sad when people showed their interest to have my books. When they came over to get the book, however, there was a part of me that was relieved and happy that the book will finally say goodbye to me.

I could have chosen to keep my books, but with the baby around, I know that I don't have much time for reading anyway. Besides, I have been a bookworm for so long that I think it's time to meet real people instead of just meeting the imaginary ones in a book. Without the books around, perhaps I could give more time to my relationships and improve them, too. Also, I now have a husband a baby to snuggle up with in bed - and the books, well, they can just say goodbye.

It's high time that someone else read you, too.

August

My husband left for Singapore tonight after 5 weeks of leave (2 weeks work from home, 2 weeks paternity/vacation leave, 1 week leave extension). He was with me from the time I was about to give birth until our little one turned 4 weeks (today). It's the first time that we lived together for a looong time. Our longest prior to this was during our wedding which was 2 weeks. So this month of August has been so much of an adjustment. I realized that we're still really getting to know each other as a couple. Parenthood is also new to us, so everything's been trial and error with Thirdy.

Right now, all I want is just to get an uninterrupted sleep.

Conversations with Strangers

I have never considered myself a good conversationalist. I usually keep my thoughts to myself when I'm surrounded by people I have just met, and to be honest, when I think the person I'm dealing with isn't worth my time, I'll keep my mouth shut for the entire time that we're together. So, these two out of the blue conversations I had with strangers I met today and yesterday are something worth mentioning here because I don't usually warm up to people that fast.

Yesterday, I was at the bank for a transaction and while waiting for my turn (I waited for almost 20 minutes), the girl behind the desk where I was seated struck up a conversation with me. She first started by asking how many months I was in my pregnancy and if I could answer a survey. She's the sales manager of the bank's insurance and investment, so after I was done answering she introduced some of their products. We talked about the nature of what she was trying to sell me, about the best banks in the country, about the best hospitals in Iloilo, and many other things. I learned that she used to be a medical representative and that she's just 2 months on her job as the sales rep of the bank. I emphatically listened to her as she poured out that she's still adjusting because the transition from a travelling job to a desk job wasn't that easy. I was just sitting there, but somehow I felt that I made her feel better by allowing her to express her feelings. When my transaction was done and when I was about to leave the bank, she waved at me. I waved back, and I felt a certain kinship with her. I didn't get her name. Hmmm... perhaps I could give a her a fan (she commented that my fan was cute).

Today, I went to the restroom in Quezon Hall, and I passed by a pregnant woman. She looked serious, but upon seeing my tummy she smiled at me, so I smiled back. After relieving myself, I went out to get some fresh air, and I was surprised that the pregnant woman struck up a conversation with me. She started by asking (also) how many months I was, and the rest of our conversation pretty much stayed on the topic of our respective pregnancies. Again, a complete stranger poured out to me her feelings. She said she was elated when she learned that she was pregnant because she waited for 7 years for it. She took numerous vitamins and endless visits to the doctor because both she and her husband had fertility problems. It became frustrating for her that she decided to take the medications for a year. After the medication hiatus, she went back to her doctor because of a breast lump. She was scheduled to have a mammogram, but the technician said she had to be sure she's not pregnant before she goes under the exam. So she went home and took a pregnancy test the next day. She had taken pregnancy tests about a hundred times for the last 7 years, each time giving her a single negative line, so how could this one be any different? But the pregnancy test turned out positive and now she's 8 months on the way with a baby boy. I am happy for her, and when we were about to go back to our respective rooms, I bid her a good and healthy pregnancy. Again, there was that kinship feeling with a complete stranger. But I got her name this time. Thank you, Ella for that warm conversation.

I make a good conversation topic

One's pregnancy could really be a good conversation starter. Sometimes, conversations with strangers are better because probably there aren't any prejudice and feelings of uneasiness or insecurity that will make one shy or afraid of opening up. I guess our parents are wrong when they warned, "Don't talk to strangers"?

Because I'm a good listener

On Love

Your light fades...

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean learning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn..."

~ Veronica A. Shooffstall