Give Until It Hurts

I gave away all my children's books except for this Newbery awardee collection. I just couldn't seem to part with it.

I heard once in a homily that when you give something, it has to make you feel that you have sacrificed something. In short, it has to hurt. The essence of giving is you're supposed to feel empty after letting go of a possession. It's not sincere when you don't feel an inner ouch when you give away your favorite dress for a fire victim or your last Php100 for a beggar.

Over the years, I have given away my things for convenient reasons like "I no longer need them" and "It's better to give than throw them away." So, you see, I didn't really feel any hurt when I gave my things away. In fact, my most prized possessions which were my books then were all given away after I gave birth to Thirdy. They were eating so much space in the bedroom, and I no longer read them so I gave them all away. I wrote about it here (http://angmaestra.blogspot.com/2015/09/letting-go.html).

I still managed to use the books as props for Thirdy's photo session before I parted with them.

I gave away those books, but my children's book collection was untouched. I still had one full shelf of it. But when I got pregnant with Bambam, I knew I had to give them away, too. Our small apartment had to accommodate a crib again and a few baby and toddler stuff. So we decided that we'll donate the books to my mother's high school alma mater in Duenas. I was at first hesitant of doing that because I wanted to give away the books to my college students under my last advisory class. I wasn't able to say a proper goodbye to them when I resigned, so giving away a book for each student complete with a personalized dedication was my way of making up to them. The de-cluttering of our apartment to make way for a newborn again ate our time, however, so I went along with the plan of just donating them instead. I didn't feel any pain of letting my babies go.

Shoutout to Prof. Dumagpi for introducing us to Newbery awardee books

I learned to appreciate children's books in graduate school. Thanks, Prof. Dumagpi

I gave birth to Bambam soon after that, and life with a newborn and a toddler went on. Then, one time I was changing my daughter's nappy (for the nth time) when I remembered those books and out of nowhere, I was washed with a sudden wave of sadness. It's a kind of sadness that I couldn't seem quite to put my finger on. It was a combination of regret, longing, and just plain homemade sadness. It's that kind of feeling after breaking up with your lover - you'd want to talk to him/her but then you realized you can no longer do that because you called it quits already. Just as it came to me swiftly, that profound sense of sadness also left me just as suddenly. If you're a mom of two, you know you can no longer dwell on negative things, so I brushed my sadness aside. But before it left, it punched me deep on the chest that for the whole day, I could literally see myself walking with a hollow circle on that part of my body.

Don't get me wrong. It was not post-partum depression (I can recognize PPD from afar). It's just that every time I remember those books now, I'd feel that sadness all over again. All is not lost, however. I still have my one box of Newbery awardee collection. I just couldn't seem to part with it, and I was saving the books for Thirdy and Bam.

I hope he'll grow up to be a reader, too.

I think the main reason why I felt that long overdue sadness was because those books were not just books. They were part of my identity as a high school teacher then. It was Teacher Van who forced the 7th graders to have a book report once every two weeks. The books were also carefully chosen. Those books meant time for me - lazy weekends spent on browsing those books at Booksale. And of course it also meant money. From my meager income as a teacher, I paid for them. I think it also hurt because I do not know the recipient of my books. It feels like I just gave away a part who I am to total strangers.

I am saving the Newbery books for these two.

Parting with those books hurt. I just didn't feel the blow right away (only 3 months after). To ease my sadness, I started reading the books from the Newbery collection again. My only consolation is that because I felt that pain after giving away my books, maybe my soul will earn some brownie points in heaven?

All-time favorite of my high school students

It's a good thing I didn't give you away.