30 isn't such a bad number, but when it comes to age it's I think where most women my age (late 20s) experience midlife jitters. It's the biological clock, for one. I know a lot of women who would like to have children before turning 30 because our eggs decrease in number as we increase in age. We'll have a slimmer chance of getting pregnant in our 30s than in our 20s. The problem, however is even if they're willing to have babies, they still don't partners! My issues on turning 30 has nothing to do with my ability to procreate, but with my professional productivity. I feel at this point in my life that I haven't accomplished anything "major" yet.
Last December, I asked a colleague if she can help with an oration piece. She asked, "Why don't you do it, Van?" I replied that I don't have much time and I don't feel very confident in my writing skills. She asked again, "So when are you going to start?" That made me uncomfortable because even if I want to do a lot of things in my career, I haven't really made an effort to start working on it.
Then, early this morning as I lay on bed contemplating whether I'll wake my sleepyhead students for a contest or let them sleep a few minutes more, I realized that if I don't start working on my dreams, I'll forever be stuck as a chaperon or coach to my students for the rest of my career. And as I grow older, my students will be getting younger each year. I don't want that to happen. As much as I want them to reach their potentials, their winnings and goals are not my own. I am just the "coach," after all. Nothing to be proud, really.
So what would I like to do exactly?
I'd like to write for a magazine. I'd like to be academically-inclined through researches and that involves writing, too. I'd like to get a scholarship in a university abroad and finish my Ph.D there. After which, go home and make a difference in the academe. I'd like to travel and see the Eiffel Tower, the pyramids in Egypt, the Angkor Wat, the Taj Mahal... oh, the whole world! I'd like to win an award for my causes.
But all is not in vain. I've started on seeing the world part. I've gone to Hong Kong, Vietnam, and Cambodia. I'm also trying to explore the Philippines now. I'm trying my hand on writing again and rediscovering the passion that has been slumbering for so long. I'm on the right track as far as my advocacies are concerned.
The midlife jitters sometimes get into my system making me feel insecure and hopeless. But I know that as long as I take each day as something to bring me closer to my dreams, I know I'll be able to achieve them all. Yes, I will.
Now, if only I can do something about that baby part there ;-).
