Scared

Writing -- this act has become such a tedious and frightening experience for me. By writing, I don't mean just the entries I write in my journal nor my posts in this blog. What I mean is serious writing. One that will help me rise up from my lowly status in the university through academic publications and researches. Another is one that will (crosses fingers) give me a literary career through short stories and features.

The problem is this fear of writing. I don't know when it started or how it possessed me. Every attempt at serious writing is thwarted by the thought that I'm no good at it, so why bother? It scares me that I will never get to publish anything if I'll continue to allow this fear to dominate my psyche. 

Sure, I got to be part of my college publication but those campus news stories never count when I fill up the part under "publications." Sometimes, in a frenzied writing mode, I'd start writing what I think are well-crafted paragraphs about topics worth reading, but I never get to finish any of them nor do I find the patience to edit them. My muse seems to make fun of me. If this will go on, I'd probably die without any publications. I'd be old and I'd lead a dull gray life while I wait for my muse to inspire me. I guess I'd say goodbye to that literary career. 

I try to make it a habit to write, but as I said, it's a tedious task. I can spend an hour in just coming up with a perfect title. I can sit the whole day in front of the computer just mulling over a one paragraph introduction. I don't write that often in my journal anymore and I think that's really lazy of me. 

This whole article really just sums up my desire to become a writer. But I don't really know where and how to start. I know that I have that potential in me. I have that fire, too, but it's perhaps dying now put out by my more realistic goals. 

I really hope I'll take my writing career seriously and do something about it. That's a New Year's resolution for 2013. Wish me luck!