Jeepney Blues

For a number of reasons, I don't like riding jeepneys. I think you, too had your share of jeepney drivers from hell experience. Drivers you'd like to strangle because they wait for more than 30 minutes before they drive the jeepney, only to stop after 5 minutes just to pick up another passenger. And, why do they have to whistle like that? Not the I-can-carry-a-tune kind of whistling, but the hey-I've-parked-my-jeepney-just-for-you-kind of whistling. It's the one where they suck up their lips and produce a sound not different from mating rats. Then, there are drivers who are just plain rude. A colleague once asked a driver if he can park his jeepney somewhere in Gen. Luna. He answered, "Pwede man kung gusto mo magbayad duwa ka gatos." So, my colleague nastily shot back, "Gapamangkot ko gani husto, Nong nga-a wala pulos sabat mo?" I secretly applauded her for that. Of course, there are those who are war freaks, those who would put up a fight with passengers and traffic enforcers. If you're caught up in that situation best go down and hail another jeepney. Then, there's your classic smelly driver who never changes clothes, never takes a bath, and who's never been introduced to a deodorant. But the drivers aren't really the sole reason why I hate riding jeepneys - they're mildly irritating in comparison to their counterparts which are the jeepney passengers. 

WELCOME TO SARDINIA

Now, you've probably also had your share of being in a crowded jeepney. Sardines, we call it. And sometimes, the crowd smells like it, too. Now, let me separate each one from the crowd and say something about these hapless citizens. Each one is a representative of the general population that inhabit Sardinia with a brief description and reasons why I hate sitting with them.

1) RAPUNZEL

The Rapunzels of Sardinia usually have long hair, and they think they're princesses, too. When the jeepney's kilometric windows are open, they like to think that they're Rose at the helm of Titanic with Jack making them feel that it's the most romantic ride of their lives. Their hair then, turns into a giant octopus with tentacles that could reach the farthest jeepney passenger. And so, with the breezy billows, their long hair would almost always swim to their seatmate's orifices: the eyes and the mouth. Sometimes, these hairy tentacles would insert itself in the nose. The victim has no choice, but to lead them down their towers and snap them back to reality. A word is enough.

2) RUSSELL CROWE

The actor is well-known for his role as the schizophrenic John Nash in A Beautiful Mind. Russell Crowe of the Philippine jeepneys, are yes, crazy, and no, they don't have a beautiful mind. He is scary especially when he talks to himself, to his other self, and to his imaginary friends. Sometimes, he gets too violent. One word is never and will never be enough for Russel Crowe so, when that happens, get down from the jeepney pronto and hail a taxi cab. 

3) MEOW MEOW

Koreans in our local and colorful language are known as Kurings. Kurings in our dialect actually refer to cats. What are the sound of cats? Meow-meow. So the Meow Meows are your chinky-eyed tourists/students who sit in groups and won't stop yakking about kimchi and Gangnam style. Their loud conversations annoy me, period. 

4) ADAM and EVE

The Adams and Eves of the jeepney are those lovers who can't keep their hands to themselves. They publicly show to the world of jeepney passengers that they love each other. So goes the necking, kissing and oh dear, petting. But it's not all roses for your Adam and Eve. Just like these biblical characters, they have their share of toils and pains. Didn't God tell Adam, "I will make you enemies, you and the woman."? And enemies they become. Yes, these lovers fight. The fight ends with a tear-streaked girl almost always, getting down from the jeepney and with the boy trailing after her. Oh, sweet. 

5) PICKPOCKETS

Among the jeepney passengers, they are the most dangerous so, everyone should be wary of them. What do they look like? Oddly enough, they don't look like your typical thief with the drug addict look. They look just like you and me, except that they're in the jeepney for all the wrong reasons of stealing your wallet, your jewelry, and your soul. So be afraid. Be very afraid. 

I’m sure there are other citizens of Sardinia out there who ought to be represented, just like the smelly ones and the smokers. But most jeepney passengers know their hygiene already and people rarely smoke in the jeepney, so they don’t need to be mentioned.

The jeepney symbolizes the all-Filipino road experience - slow because I'm picking up passengers, so shut up, and fast because I'm the king of the road, bitch. The passengers in a crowded sardine fashion become the helpless victims, and so forge a brotherhood and sisterhood of passengers with a common enemy – the driver. I’m sure the jeepney drivers themselves have a list of passengers from hell, but for now, you’ll just have to content yourself by reading my version of jeepney passengers who make my daily commute annoying and scary as hell.